Admittedly not the most likely hardship your average expat is likely to experience, but it is just a bit of a spanner in the works and as I have discovered to my cost, it is not among the issues where Google can give you much advice should you be among the chosen few to have your locality infected.
Form
Crying/Bleeding/Sneezing/suddenly looking grumpy statues.
Strange marks or mould appearing on buildings. Where if you squint hard you can make out the face of the elephant man (in the style of Picasso), who apparently is now the spitting image of God, Jesus, The Madonna or other important religious figure.
Polluted water sources going all “healing” on a hysterical bunch who couldn't avoid having a placebo effect if they were immunized against it with a cricket bat.
Visions of important religious figures seen by the person who amazingly enough ….predicted just such a vision last week, when he took some time out from guessing winning lottery numbers for those who prefer their wallets not to weigh them down.
How to predict
Buy a crystal ball.
Include instructions in your property survey to include scanning nearby locals for guru-hood tendencies.
How to discern if you have been infested with pilgrims.
Open your door or window. Do you get the impression that behind your back and out of the blue somebody took your house and plonked it in the biggest football stadium your country has and the match of the year is in progress ? Is the atmosphere even less stable than when arch rivals are playing against each other ?
If you answered yes to the above then either the government has fallen, there has been an alien invasion or you are one of the unfortunate few who join an exclusive club.
“The Newly Emotionally Unstable due to Being Inundated By Thousands of Extremely Overexcited and Impressionable People who Regard You and your Home as the Phenomenon's Nearest 24/7 Information Point, Car Park and Outdoor Public Loo”
How to approach the Authorities.
Don't bother. Even if the pilgrims are consuming (by the bucket-load) pesticide-polluted water your local authority will have Euro signs in their eyes thinking about the indirect commercial gain for the nearest towns.
They will overlook the fact that your house is now valued in Eurocents and the cost of providing infrastructure would bankrupt the local coffers. Instead they lose themselves, and their duty to the public, in dreams of being the next Lourdes. All without wasting one nano second on objective calculations of cost, both human and financial.
Do expect them to react to the question of out of control crowds stuffed in a tiny area by sending all the local police on holiday. Then watch as they swan off on holiday too.
Try not to hope that their yacht hits a freak iceberg in the med. But fail.
How to approach the charlatan with the box for “donations”.
Anyway you like, but don't give into the urge to take a hammer with you. Be prepared for him to incite his followers to hang you from the nearest tree the second you remonstrate that perhaps this wasn't the most neighbourly move the planet has ever seen.
Spend your energy on dreaming up complicated plots to close him down and make him pay. It is entirely reasonable to believe that the appropriate punishment for his infractions of public order, health and safety, pollution etc... is his head on a stick.
How to Approach the Pilgrims.
Remonstrate when they wake you up by honking, shouting, screaming “Maria !!!!” “Where is the miracle water !!!!!” under your window at 2am/3am/4am/5am.
Point out you are not Maria.
If feeling really evil say “English, not speak Italian” (insert different 2nd language as context dictates). This will at least allow you to extract a little exhausted, pre-dawn, revenge based fun by making them struggle to remember what little English they absorbed at school.
If you get one that does speak good English you can really get your own back, utterly crushing their ego in the process, by pretending you have no idea what they are trying to say.
If they are showing off their language skills to the crowd, start talking at warp speed nine and watch them wet themselves as they try to pretend they know what you are saying.
It's not as good as sleep but better than wandering around the house knackered and puffing on millions of ciggies despite having given up smoking years ago.
Try not to kill them when by week 7 of 24/7 infestation your patience has worn so thin that you are looking on American guns laws with envy. (in retrospect maybe I shouldn't have written that)
Do not approach them when they park all over your property or block you into it by parking right in front of the gate. It is not worth the utter dejection and fury when they reply “what residents ? “what house?” “what owner ?” despite you standing right in front of them with your home as the backdrop.
Just accept it now. You are invisible and irrelevant, it is all about them. You have no life, you have no problems and you have no human need to eat, sleep or go shopping. Think of yourself as scenic decoration for the few that notice your existence.
Solutions
For the love of all things good do not lie down in the road or chain yourself to trees to try to block the traffic as a protest. Make no mistake about it, these buggers WILL run you over.
Instead search Google Maps until you find an alternative route for the pilgrims to use that minimises their impact on you. Chose the one that will cause the maximum possible disruption for the neighbour who keeps coming over saying “what are you making such a fuss about ? S'just a few thousand people, hahahahah”
Publish alternative route all over the net and spam pro-pilgrim forums with the link thereby extracting compensation in the form of neighbour going puce and spluttering mightily whilst running around in circles like a headless chicken.
It will really cheer you up. In a cynical and jaded sort of way.
Long Term
Go to the doctor. Take prescribed sedatives. Try not to explode. Try not to cry so much that your eyeballs float out of your head.
Remember that unless you are truly cursed this will not be the next Lourdes but just a very long, torturous bout of summer madness.
Pray for rain. Work hard on not hoping that lighting strikes metal taps and create a “God is punishing us !!!” immediate withdrawal frenzy as both the charlatan and his pet Madonna seeing “sensitive” get 1000000 voltes through them.
Come talk to me.
You will have my unending sympathy. For I know what it means to be trampled under the feet and wheels of thousands upon thousands of pilgrims who just can't wait another minute to throw all their money at a charlatan while making up their preemie's milk with unboiled, pesticide tainted, dirty well water or shoving a sippy cup full of the same in the mouth of their small child who is undergoing chemotherapy. And then going home with gallons of the stuff to make sure that no other liquid apart from the fake miracle variety gets into the kid for a month or two.
Being an involuntary witness to such horrors takes it toll and I will understand if you need to weep, shout and make rather rude gestures whilst turning the air blue.
Keep your sense of humour. It might be dark and it might be bitter but you can't beat it as an alternative to going completely bonkers.
Blog. In the hope that one day you can look back and laugh.
Preferably not hysterically from inside a padded and soundproof room.
